If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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