Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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