Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
