i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.