Where is the hickey?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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