every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
