Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
