i used baking grease as lip gloss
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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