Just fell off a train. Bad.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
