i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
