Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
