i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sext me about skeletons
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
