Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
