why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
