we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
