Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
