jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
