I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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