Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
