This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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