i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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