I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
