no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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