she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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