Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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