So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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