I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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