thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
