giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
