I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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