Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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