Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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