she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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