failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize