This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hippo gnu deer
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
