I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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