i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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