i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
