I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
