my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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