Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
