so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
