when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
