so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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