I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
