Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No subtext here. People are naked.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
