when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
