You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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