Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
