i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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