he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
