I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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